A year later...

Here I am, up and awake at 4am, ready to do some hard core reflecting. Over the last year I have had many, MANY ups and downs. Made some bad choices, made some good choices and then made some bad choices again. It's interesting how when you look back on the wisdom of others, you begin to understand what they have been saying would have made life less difficult if you had listened to them.
Listening. Not always my strong strong subject. Might have been a class I ditched in high school.
I had all the need of bountiful sound advice from many good and well intended family and friends but I never took advantage of it. I think most people could relate at some point or circumstance.
Now with so much having changed over the course of this last year, I find myself back in school (seriously valuing and wanting my education) and working towards having more meaningful adult relationships. I'm still a mom, and there is ALWAYS room for improvement in that area. In fact, I'm finding my motivation as of late from wanting a better life for my kids. I can't say I never wanted them to have better then what I have had, but now I am sacrificing for them, as oppose to passively going with the "what's easier for me" flow.

Sacrifice. It's a big word. And when understood and used as a verb (which I believe should be done despite literary difference), it can and will change you... in a Big way. 
I don't go to work to pay my bills. I go to work so I can offer a home for my children.
I'm not going to school to make more money. I'm educating myself so I can be a rolemodel to my little ones.
I'm not praying with my children before meals and going to church on Sundays because that's what "Christians" do. I'm asking God to lead my life by inviting him into our family so that my children will have love for the Lord and desire Him to be their everything.

It's not always easy. Actually, it's very difficult most of the time. I have the burden of working, studying, housekeeping, cooking, motivating, plucking grey hairs...pretty much everything. I don't complain about it, or atleast I try not to. I have had it worse and I could always have it worse. But right now, at this moment, I don't. Of course, there will always be struggles and as a single mom, I have to expect that life will be different for me. No, it's not fair, but that's how it is and I'm begining to overcome the depression I have lived with for most of my life by making myself strive for better. I'm constantly reminding myself of Gods love for me. I'm continually thinking back on the positive words given to me from my respected friends. And as strange as it might come across to someone who overhears me, I am working at giving myself positive self talk. You might catch me on break from class or before/after clocking in/out of work, saying Awesome things about myself. Anything to keep me going at this point is something worth doing. In six months, things will be different and hopefully life will have had some great improvement, but for now everything is okay...and okay, is Good. :)