I don't get it. I just don't get it. I don't understand it. I can't comprehend any of it and frankily, it's just giving me an increasingly larger headache each and everyday it continues. I can't stand not knowing the unknown. I will even go as far as to say that I hate it. Yes, Hate! And hate is a very strong word. I sit here day in and day out not knowing what is going to happen, where my life is going, and who or what I will encounter on the way... It's maddening. Since last August 2010 when everything turned upside down (losing my job, apartment, my belongings...even my beloved dogs) my life has been up in limbo. Not just my life mind you, but my childrens lives. Every incredibly depressing heartache and dissapointment I have encountered were not done alone. My kiddo's were shadowing every tear and sleepless night right there along with me. If a family that prays together, stays together, then it would be safe to say that a mom who puts herself first is putting her children second. Since August 2010, I have only a handful of times, put myself out of the picture to put my kids first. It was so difficult to not give them my attention when I was depressed and hurting...or rather, it was so easy to cry over things that went wrong then to love and encourage my kids to do right. For nine complete months I have been in a state of rollercoaster emotions charged by regret and constant mistakes that I have contributed to. For nine months I have felt sorry for myself, and blamed myself for things out of my control. For nine months I have lived in denial, went back to old habits, made friends with people I shouldn't have, and lost friends who I should have kept. For nine months it was all about me. For nine months, it was almost nothing about my kids, or my Christ. Nine months...it's how long a life takes to go from conception to birth. Nine months is how long it took for me to go from a getting out of the water, to drying off and moving on. I guess outside of complaining about what I can't do, the only real thing I can and should do is be the best mom I can be. In a way, I'm fortunate to have this time to be alone with my kids. God has provided everything I needed so far, and He even stayed with me through my sin. My God loved me so much that He tugged and pulled at me to change my ways. He didn't leave my side, although at some points it seemed like a thorn in my side with all the love He had for me. I promise that the conviction I felt and the grieving of the Holy Spirit was so strong that not a single night went by that I didn't cry my broken heart to sleep. But every morning I woke up and was still safe...even when I didn't want to wake up anymore God had other plans for me. God may give us free will, but man does He get crazy with loving us to the point that we begin to hate the sinful things we do. His love may very well be the all time "Catch 22". We can make whatever choice we want, but we can't make any choice that would get Him to love you or me any less then He loves King David, or the Apostle Paul...or even Billy Graham. :)
So in closing, somewhere down the line we have to stop what were doing and take our focus off of what we feel and begin to really take in what is important to us. My choices may not have been some that you have made, but I have to stop living the same ole same ole and waiting for the next big thing to happen. I haven't a clue what next week will hold, let alone next month, but I know that tomorrow I can wake up and love on my children...maybe even beat 'em up with some pillows or something. Tomorrow I can stop worrying about everything else and make a choice, a conscience effort to slow down and do something right. Tomorrow, God willing I GET to wake up and see the sunrise, spend time in prayer with the one who is allowing me to have each day, and maybe even hear Him speak to my spirit. Maybe tomorrow I'll get to make a great memory with my kids. I hope to. I'm determined to. Our days are limited, but tomorrow I'm going to make it a great day. I hope you do too.
