Got Sobriety?

I have struggled with a secret that lost its appeal a while back. Before losing my great job, my great apartment, my great life and my not-so-great boyfriend/fiancee/ex-fiancee/ex-boyfriend/boyfriend/officially ex-boyfriend for the thirteenth time, I started using. I'm not talking about using liquid fabric softner along with the dryer sheets, or moisture rich conditioner or even vitamin supplements. I started using drugs...and not just any drug. I started using meth. Yep. meth. It wasn't fun either. I worked my tail off which gave me promotional nods from the bosses, but 70 pounds and nothing to my name other then my car and my kids and losing a dear relationship with someone my kids and I actually mattered too...I learned a lot about finding inner strength and courage. I learned how scary a couple grams of crystal can make you...but most importantly...I learned to choose between my children and myself. Yeah, my children and me. You would think thats a give in. Of course moms would never put something or someone ahead of their own babies. I did. With my head down in shame, I was "that mom" who lived in denial of what I was doing until it was all taken away and all I had left was my children...and my secret. I went a few months clean, but recently I fell back in. I can't say I struggled with it because of the "high" these drugs produce. HA! I feel jipped because there was no high for me. For me, the monster within who needs to be thinner, more attractive and more together was the one taking the wheel on this choice. That demon has been inside for as long as I can remember. I grew up self-conscience, I lived my life to this point the same way. The last time I quit, it wasn't voluntarily. I had no job to support my "habit" if you call it that. So I weened off it with cigarrettes and Dr. Pepper. But this recent fall...well, lets just say that with an aunt and sister who love me enough to speak up, and with the loss of some family and friends...I now choose to be clean. It's not easy. I see those dreadful numbers rising ever so ungraciously on my scale. I feel the urges come on strong when I pass someone who's recently fed there cravings (you know someone who is or has been on meth when you've struggled with it. Something in you wakes up, a taste of it seeps in your mouth, the movements, speech, thoughts...everything hits you like a dodge ball to the face) but I am choosing the right. I remember that night, very late, I was struggling, knowing what God was telling me. I knew I wouldn't get an apartment, a job, anything because God does not bless sin...and like now, I need Gods Blessings. I got up and took what I had and held it over the toilet. I couldn't let go. I needed to. I started crying out of no where, then I started telling God I need Him to help me let go. I need Him to help me out of this mess. I need Him to promise me that He'll help keep me straight because I need Him to get me to be the MOTHER my Children NEED. Something told me to "Let go" and I did. I finally let go. Tears and mascara everywhere. I flushe the toilet wondering why that was so hard. Lord, why was it so hard to let go of something that has proven to be dangerous to me and my life. But this sence of peace overcame me and I knew it was okay for me to finally let go. I have let go. I am letting God... in everyway I can let Him. I am working at keeping myself in check, watching what I eat...after ordering it off the Jack in the Box menu :) But in other ways as well. I'm going to be honest with everyone, and hopefully more honest with myself. So yes, My kids will now be first, they have a very imperfect mom. The most imperfect one at that. But they will have a mom who is going to be a mother and love them better then any mom could and I will make them proud. I will make my family and my friends proud. God will be proud. I, well...I will be satisfied with some curly fries or pizza with ranch. :) Yeah, I had to put an end somewhere or my tears will short out my keyboard. So with this being my start, I'm excited to see where Gods going to lead me. I'll leave you with lyrics to My favorite song by Mikes Chair (its a group, the chair didn't write this...just the butt that sat on it). God Bless! "There's a raging sea right in front of me...wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees. So let the waters rise if You want them to. I will follow You...I will follow You"

Foreword

It's just after midnight and I finally begin my journey here. I'm nervous because I want to commit to this idea of why I'm writting, but I'm afraid I'll let myself down by allowing distractions to defeat my purpose. I'm now openly driven to change my life and end the person and mom I was becoming. In working towards this new "life" I have choosen to be transparent with everything that I will struggle with as I learn to let God lead me, and with everything that has happened to bring to this point. The best way to learn about something is to teach it. I have to lead by example and I have plenty of examples to learn from. I know that one person, someday will use the lessons I'm learning as encouragement to get through their own. One day, someone will see my testimony as it unfolds here and may come to know the Lord in a way they haven't before. Either way, as difficult as this will be for me, I'm learning and working on trusting God to get me through this and to continue with this idea that my struggles, choices, tears and heartache will be used for others to come to Christ and for Christ to be glorified in all that will be made good in my life, my childrens lives and in the lives of those who are strong enough to become weak again, so that the Lord might be their strength.

We all make mistakes, everyday. No one is immune to being imperfect. It's just that some mistakes have different levels of severity in consequences then others. If you steal something, someone loses something and you can go to jail. If you murder someone, well...that would obviously hurt loved ones and friends and you would go to jail. If you walk away from God and try taking control of things, well, you can end up like me...an inmate in a prison built from consequence, dissapointment and regret. Unfortunatly, I'm not the only one serving my term. It so happens that 3 innocent bystandards have the same sentence, only, they didn't have a choice in the matter. This is where my journey begins and this is where my new "life" in Christ will grow, mature and thrive. Lots of prayer will be needed, not just for me and my family, but for everyone who will come across this and relate to my experiences, or have equally challenging ones of their own. Defeat is no longer an option and I'm no longer doing this on my own...