A year later...

Here I am, up and awake at 4am, ready to do some hard core reflecting. Over the last year I have had many, MANY ups and downs. Made some bad choices, made some good choices and then made some bad choices again. It's interesting how when you look back on the wisdom of others, you begin to understand what they have been saying would have made life less difficult if you had listened to them.
Listening. Not always my strong strong subject. Might have been a class I ditched in high school.
I had all the need of bountiful sound advice from many good and well intended family and friends but I never took advantage of it. I think most people could relate at some point or circumstance.
Now with so much having changed over the course of this last year, I find myself back in school (seriously valuing and wanting my education) and working towards having more meaningful adult relationships. I'm still a mom, and there is ALWAYS room for improvement in that area. In fact, I'm finding my motivation as of late from wanting a better life for my kids. I can't say I never wanted them to have better then what I have had, but now I am sacrificing for them, as oppose to passively going with the "what's easier for me" flow.

Sacrifice. It's a big word. And when understood and used as a verb (which I believe should be done despite literary difference), it can and will change you... in a Big way. 
I don't go to work to pay my bills. I go to work so I can offer a home for my children.
I'm not going to school to make more money. I'm educating myself so I can be a rolemodel to my little ones.
I'm not praying with my children before meals and going to church on Sundays because that's what "Christians" do. I'm asking God to lead my life by inviting him into our family so that my children will have love for the Lord and desire Him to be their everything.

It's not always easy. Actually, it's very difficult most of the time. I have the burden of working, studying, housekeeping, cooking, motivating, plucking grey hairs...pretty much everything. I don't complain about it, or atleast I try not to. I have had it worse and I could always have it worse. But right now, at this moment, I don't. Of course, there will always be struggles and as a single mom, I have to expect that life will be different for me. No, it's not fair, but that's how it is and I'm begining to overcome the depression I have lived with for most of my life by making myself strive for better. I'm constantly reminding myself of Gods love for me. I'm continually thinking back on the positive words given to me from my respected friends. And as strange as it might come across to someone who overhears me, I am working at giving myself positive self talk. You might catch me on break from class or before/after clocking in/out of work, saying Awesome things about myself. Anything to keep me going at this point is something worth doing. In six months, things will be different and hopefully life will have had some great improvement, but for now everything is okay...and okay, is Good. :)

Things Unknown

I don't get it. I just don't get it. I don't understand it. I can't comprehend any of it and frankily, it's just giving me an increasingly larger headache each and everyday it continues. I can't stand not knowing the unknown. I will even go as far as to say that I hate it. Yes, Hate! And hate is a very strong word. I sit here day in and day out not knowing what is going to happen, where my life is going, and who or what I will encounter on the way... It's maddening. Since last August 2010 when everything turned upside down (losing my job, apartment, my belongings...even my beloved dogs) my life has been up in limbo. Not just my life mind you, but my childrens lives. Every incredibly depressing heartache and dissapointment I have encountered were not done alone. My kiddo's were shadowing every tear and sleepless night right there along with me. If a family that prays together, stays together, then it would be safe to say that a mom who puts herself first is putting her children second. Since August 2010, I have only a handful of times, put myself out of the picture to put my kids first. It was so difficult to not give them my attention when I was depressed and hurting...or rather, it was so easy to cry over things that went wrong then to love and encourage my kids to do right. For nine complete months I have been in a state of rollercoaster emotions charged by regret and constant mistakes that I have contributed to. For nine months I have felt sorry for myself, and blamed myself for things out of my control. For nine months I have lived in denial, went back to old habits, made friends with people I shouldn't have, and lost friends who I should have kept. For nine months it was all about me. For nine months, it was almost nothing about my kids, or my Christ. Nine months...it's how long a life takes to go from conception to birth. Nine months is how long it took for me to go from a getting out of the water, to drying off and moving on. I guess outside of complaining about what I can't do, the only real thing I can and should do is be the best mom I can be. In a way, I'm fortunate to have this time to be alone with my kids. God has provided everything I needed so far, and He even stayed with me through my sin. My God loved me so much that He tugged and pulled at me to change my ways. He didn't leave my side, although at some points it seemed like a thorn in my side with all the love He had for me. I promise that the conviction I felt and the grieving of the Holy Spirit was so strong that not a single night went by that I didn't cry my broken heart to sleep. But every morning I woke up and was still safe...even when I didn't want to wake up anymore God had other plans for me. God may give us free will, but man does He get crazy with loving us to the point that we begin to hate the sinful things we do. His love may very well be the all time "Catch 22". We can make whatever choice we want, but we can't make any choice that would get Him to love you or me any less then He loves King David, or the Apostle Paul...or even Billy Graham. :)
So in closing, somewhere down the line we have to stop what were doing and take our focus off of what we feel and begin to really take in what is important to us. My choices may not have been some that you have made, but I have to stop living the same ole same ole and waiting for the next big thing to happen. I haven't a clue what next week will hold, let alone next month, but I know that tomorrow I can wake up and love on my children...maybe even beat 'em up with some pillows or something. Tomorrow I can stop worrying about everything else and make a choice, a conscience effort to slow down and do something right. Tomorrow, God willing I GET to wake up and see the sunrise, spend time in prayer with the one who is allowing me to have each day, and maybe even hear Him speak to my spirit. Maybe tomorrow I'll get to make a great memory with my kids. I hope to. I'm determined to. Our days are limited, but tomorrow I'm going to make it a great day. I hope you do too.

Practice What I Preach

It's easy to tell someone, "Hey, give it to God! He will work a way to get you through this." and "Trust God for your needs. You know the scripture on the birds and animals not needing to worry..." or my personal favorite "Next time maybe you'll do things differently?" Yep, I'm sure we ALL have been told at least one of those things when we open up to a trusted person about a trial or challenge we face. Well I'm notorious for verbalizing the "Yay Jesus!" lines when my friends are having troubles. Funny though as I recently learned, telling someone to Trust Jesus and then practicing that Trust are two completely different acts and meanings when you haven't fully Trusted God before. Oh, it ain't easy, that's for sure. I received two very discouraging phone calls over two highly important, separate issues. One concerning my children and I having a home to move into in the city of Maricopa, the other concerning my the safety of my sons in school. Needless to say, the move to Maricopa doesn't look promising as I only have till the end of May to find a place, and my sons were taken out of this particular school with their safety in mind. So now what God? This morning I posted on my Facebook page "I'm trading my sorrows and I'm trading my pain. I'm laying them down for the joy of the Lord!"
WOW, what a great opportunity to not just post the lyrics of this peppy song of encouragement, but to LIVE what those lyrics are saying! I have sorrow for possibly missing this opportunity to move into our own place. I have pain in seeing my kids go through bullying on top of not having a good, steady male figure for them to go to, outside of the Jesus I present at home (That needs some work as well) ...but in my sorrow I can see that maybe God will provide something better, with a job or other means to pay for it. Somewhere close to my home church even. And maybe this pain will bring in new light for connecting to my sons in ways I haven't before. I can tell you now, since I started my new beginning, things have been far from easy. However, I am seeing my children in a different way. A closer, more connected way. So Lord, help me to practice what I preach. To take the mental note to give it to you, and then to do it! I need all the help you can give me and I know your word wont come back void. Please, help me to experience that and all that comeS with it. Thank you Lord for all you have done, and are going to do... Amen!

Got Sobriety?

I have struggled with a secret that lost its appeal a while back. Before losing my great job, my great apartment, my great life and my not-so-great boyfriend/fiancee/ex-fiancee/ex-boyfriend/boyfriend/officially ex-boyfriend for the thirteenth time, I started using. I'm not talking about using liquid fabric softner along with the dryer sheets, or moisture rich conditioner or even vitamin supplements. I started using drugs...and not just any drug. I started using meth. Yep. meth. It wasn't fun either. I worked my tail off which gave me promotional nods from the bosses, but 70 pounds and nothing to my name other then my car and my kids and losing a dear relationship with someone my kids and I actually mattered too...I learned a lot about finding inner strength and courage. I learned how scary a couple grams of crystal can make you...but most importantly...I learned to choose between my children and myself. Yeah, my children and me. You would think thats a give in. Of course moms would never put something or someone ahead of their own babies. I did. With my head down in shame, I was "that mom" who lived in denial of what I was doing until it was all taken away and all I had left was my children...and my secret. I went a few months clean, but recently I fell back in. I can't say I struggled with it because of the "high" these drugs produce. HA! I feel jipped because there was no high for me. For me, the monster within who needs to be thinner, more attractive and more together was the one taking the wheel on this choice. That demon has been inside for as long as I can remember. I grew up self-conscience, I lived my life to this point the same way. The last time I quit, it wasn't voluntarily. I had no job to support my "habit" if you call it that. So I weened off it with cigarrettes and Dr. Pepper. But this recent fall...well, lets just say that with an aunt and sister who love me enough to speak up, and with the loss of some family and friends...I now choose to be clean. It's not easy. I see those dreadful numbers rising ever so ungraciously on my scale. I feel the urges come on strong when I pass someone who's recently fed there cravings (you know someone who is or has been on meth when you've struggled with it. Something in you wakes up, a taste of it seeps in your mouth, the movements, speech, thoughts...everything hits you like a dodge ball to the face) but I am choosing the right. I remember that night, very late, I was struggling, knowing what God was telling me. I knew I wouldn't get an apartment, a job, anything because God does not bless sin...and like now, I need Gods Blessings. I got up and took what I had and held it over the toilet. I couldn't let go. I needed to. I started crying out of no where, then I started telling God I need Him to help me let go. I need Him to help me out of this mess. I need Him to promise me that He'll help keep me straight because I need Him to get me to be the MOTHER my Children NEED. Something told me to "Let go" and I did. I finally let go. Tears and mascara everywhere. I flushe the toilet wondering why that was so hard. Lord, why was it so hard to let go of something that has proven to be dangerous to me and my life. But this sence of peace overcame me and I knew it was okay for me to finally let go. I have let go. I am letting God... in everyway I can let Him. I am working at keeping myself in check, watching what I eat...after ordering it off the Jack in the Box menu :) But in other ways as well. I'm going to be honest with everyone, and hopefully more honest with myself. So yes, My kids will now be first, they have a very imperfect mom. The most imperfect one at that. But they will have a mom who is going to be a mother and love them better then any mom could and I will make them proud. I will make my family and my friends proud. God will be proud. I, well...I will be satisfied with some curly fries or pizza with ranch. :) Yeah, I had to put an end somewhere or my tears will short out my keyboard. So with this being my start, I'm excited to see where Gods going to lead me. I'll leave you with lyrics to My favorite song by Mikes Chair (its a group, the chair didn't write this...just the butt that sat on it). God Bless! "There's a raging sea right in front of me...wants to pull me in, bring me to my knees. So let the waters rise if You want them to. I will follow You...I will follow You"

Foreword

It's just after midnight and I finally begin my journey here. I'm nervous because I want to commit to this idea of why I'm writting, but I'm afraid I'll let myself down by allowing distractions to defeat my purpose. I'm now openly driven to change my life and end the person and mom I was becoming. In working towards this new "life" I have choosen to be transparent with everything that I will struggle with as I learn to let God lead me, and with everything that has happened to bring to this point. The best way to learn about something is to teach it. I have to lead by example and I have plenty of examples to learn from. I know that one person, someday will use the lessons I'm learning as encouragement to get through their own. One day, someone will see my testimony as it unfolds here and may come to know the Lord in a way they haven't before. Either way, as difficult as this will be for me, I'm learning and working on trusting God to get me through this and to continue with this idea that my struggles, choices, tears and heartache will be used for others to come to Christ and for Christ to be glorified in all that will be made good in my life, my childrens lives and in the lives of those who are strong enough to become weak again, so that the Lord might be their strength.

We all make mistakes, everyday. No one is immune to being imperfect. It's just that some mistakes have different levels of severity in consequences then others. If you steal something, someone loses something and you can go to jail. If you murder someone, well...that would obviously hurt loved ones and friends and you would go to jail. If you walk away from God and try taking control of things, well, you can end up like me...an inmate in a prison built from consequence, dissapointment and regret. Unfortunatly, I'm not the only one serving my term. It so happens that 3 innocent bystandards have the same sentence, only, they didn't have a choice in the matter. This is where my journey begins and this is where my new "life" in Christ will grow, mature and thrive. Lots of prayer will be needed, not just for me and my family, but for everyone who will come across this and relate to my experiences, or have equally challenging ones of their own. Defeat is no longer an option and I'm no longer doing this on my own...